The article “It’s not a Disease” recently published in the New York Times sparked a lively discussion around the office and inspired my recent article: The Things We Don’t Talk About.
The article quoted Dr. Stephanie S. Faubion, medical director for the North American Menopause Society, who said there is a huge gap in the medical community when recognizing and treating the debilitating effects of menopause. She added that physicians must realize that every woman over 50 may indeed be experiencing some type of perimenopause or menopausal symptom.
I don’t think the medical profession is the only group that doesn’t want to talk frankly about menopause. Rereading my first article about menopause, I realized I wouldn’t have been so open about my symptoms when I was going through them during my forties as I am now. I certainly didn’t have medical guidance or even other women who were willing to discuss their experiences. As a result, I often worried about my mental health and did whatever I could to pretend all was ok.
Back then, I would wave off the occasional lapse of memory by jokingly referring to my menopausal memory. Folks around me would laugh, at least the women did; the men shuffled their feet and looked away. But hot flashes were no laughing matter, especially not when I was making a presentation to a group of people or my board of directors. I sure did not want to bring more attention to my ‘issue’ than my hot red face already had.
In the NYT article, Dr. Faubion questions why physicians don’t talk to their patients about menopause.
But women don’t talk about it either, not to their physician or their colleagues or, most of all, to their employers.
Having an honest conversation about being in the midst of the change of life (as menopause has been so endearingly called) isn’t top of a woman's mind when she's had no sleep for weeks on end. Rational thinking eludes her, especially after those days when she feels pushed to the edge and is ready to do serious damage to someone or something.
So I asked the women around me, all younger, all professionals, what they knew about menopause and who had prepared them for this time of life.
One said: "I'm 47, and no one has had that talk with me yet."
Another laughed it off saying: "It's one of those things WE don't talk about."
One smugly said: "Menopause isn’t for me! I remember how awful my mother was during that time. That's the reason my father left her!"
One woman looked at me as if I had grown two heads and said: "What? Talk about going through the change? That means I’m getting old; it's when normal women turn into witches. The change means my boss will wonder if I’m competent and question my ability to make good decisions. Any woman going through menopause had better hide those symptoms as best she can, and for heaven’s sake, do not go admitting it to the world!”
At least that has been the message for ages. Better to hide anything that would hint a woman is in menopause than acknowledge a life process. Better to pretend we’re ageless and invincible than to find comfort in knowledge of the healthy transition of our bodies. It’s time for a new message, one that doesn't ignore a very real time in a woman's life and one that helps.
While I was disappointed that the Society of Menopause’s website didn’t offer anything new to combat the myriad of symptoms brought on by menopause, it did offer lots of ways to engage in conversations and training for physicians and laypeople. It also provided facts that connect hot flashes to the onset of heart conditions and studies about the costs, both in lost time from work and medical expenses when struggling with menopause. Its overriding message was there must be more communications about the consequences of menopause.
We can’t deny menopause exists. But, we could insist on better ways to handle it. We could bring it into conversations and not allow a natural part of being a woman to be used to minimize our ability or competency.
As women, we are the way finders for each other. We bring our unique experiences and know what it takes to move through any phase of life. So why wouldn’t we share our knowledge and wisdom about this phase?
Still, talking openly about menopause takes as much courage as having an honest discussion about changes in our libido.
Maybe it’s time for both.